Relationships are supposed to make us feel all warm and fuzzy, like cuddling up with a cozy blanket on a rainy day. But if yours feel more like stepping on a LEGO barefoot, you might (unknowingly!) be getting in your own way. Self-sabotage is sneaky like that—it creeps in without warning, and before you know it, you’re side-eyeing your partner for breathing too loudly.
Here’s the thing: We all have our quirks, but when those quirks start causing chaos, it’s time to pause and reflect. And hey, there’s no shame in getting a little help along the way. Therapy is like that wise friend who listens without interrupting and gives you tools to untangle the knots in your love life. Think of it as a cheat code for healthier, happier relationships.
Now, let’s dive into the juicy part: the questions that might reveal if you’re accidentally planting landmines in your own love story. Ready? Let’s go!
What Is Self-Sabotage in Relationships?
Before we get into the questions, let’s define the elephant in the room. What is self-sabotage, anyway?
Self-sabotage in relationships happens when your own behaviors, thoughts, or fears create barriers to a happy and healthy connection. It’s like shooting yourself in the foot and then wondering why it hurts to walk. These patterns often come from fears of intimacy, past heartbreaks, or deeply rooted insecurities—things you might not even realize are there.
The tricky part? You probably think you’re protecting yourself or doing what’s best, but in reality, these behaviors could be creating unnecessary drama or distance. And that’s why a little self-awareness (and maybe some therapy) can work wonders.
10 Questions to Help You Spot Self-Sabotage
Ready to see if you’re getting in your own way? If you find yourself saying “yes” to five or more of these, it might be time to take a closer look at your patterns.
1. Do You Push People Away When They Get Too Close?
You meet someone wonderful, and things are going well. But as soon as it feels serious, you start pulling back—canceling plans, picking fights, or suddenly becoming hyper-focused on their minor flaws.
This is classic fear of vulnerability. By creating distance, you’re protecting yourself from getting hurt—but also preventing intimacy.
Next time you feel like retreating, take a deep breath and ask yourself what you’re afraid of. Try sharing your feelings instead of shutting down. Vulnerability is scary but worth it.
2. Are You Constantly Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop?
Everything’s great, but in the back of your mind, you’re thinking, “This can’t last.” Instead of enjoying the moment, you’re bracing for disaster.
This mindset can create unnecessary tension. If you’re always expecting something to go wrong, you might subconsciously make it happen.
Gratitude is your best friend here. Instead of worrying about what might happen, focus on the good things happening right now.
3. Do You Struggle to Communicate Your Needs?
You want something, but instead of saying it outright, you drop hints or expect your partner to just know. When they don’t, frustration builds.
Expecting your partner to read your mind is unfair and unrealistic. Miscommunication leads to resentment and disconnect.
Practice being direct. It might feel weird at first, but clear communication is the foundation of any strong relationship.
4. Do You Sabotage Good Times with Overthinking?
After an amazing date, instead of basking in the glow, you’re replaying every moment in your head, searching for signs that something might be off.
Overthinking takes you out of the present and makes you question things unnecessarily.
When the overthinking train starts rolling, hit pause. Focus on your partner’s actions, not your insecurities.
Start your online therapy journey here
5. Do You Set Unrealistic Expectations?
Do you expect your partner to meet all your needs, fix your problems, and know exactly what you’re thinking 24/7?
No one can be your everything. Putting that kind of pressure on your partner is exhausting for both of you.
Spread your support system. Friends, family, hobbies—your life is bigger than just your relationship.
6. Do You Hold Grudges Instead of Addressing Issues?
Instead of tackling issues head-on, you let them simmer until resentment boils over—and then you bring up things from months ago.
Unresolved issues don’t go away; they pile up, creating a mountain of frustration.
Deal with problems as they arise. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s way better than carrying emotional baggage.
7. Do You Stay in Relationships Because You Fear Being Alone?
Even if you’re unhappy, you stick around because the idea of being single feels scarier than staying in the wrong relationship.
Settling keeps you stuck and blocks you from finding something better.
Remind yourself that being single is not a failure—it’s an opportunity to grow and attract the right person.
8. Do You Avoid Vulnerability Like the Plague?
You never let your guard down, even with someone you love. Sharing your feelings feels too risky
Relationships need trust and vulnerability to thrive. If you’re walled off, your partner might feel shut out.
Start small. Share something personal and notice how it strengthens your connection.
9. Do You Compare Your Relationship to Others?
You scroll through Instagram, see picture-perfect couples, and wonder why your relationship doesn’t look like theirs.
Comparison is toxic. Your relationship is unique and shouldn’t be measured against filtered highlight reels.
Appreciate what you have. Focus on your journey instead of someone else’s curated moments.
10. Do You Struggle to Forgive Yourself or Your Partner?
You replay mistakes—yours or theirs—over and over instead of moving forward.
Holding onto guilt or resentment keeps you stuck. Forgiveness is essential for growth.
Practice self-compassion. Forgive yourself first, and extend the same grace to your partner.
How to Interpret Your Answers
If you said “yes” to five or more of these, congratulations—you’re human! But it’s also a sign to dig a little deeper into your patterns.
The good news? You’re already taking the first step by recognizing what’s happening. The next step? Action. Therapy (yep, bringing it up again!) can help you unpack these behaviors and learn how to stop sabotaging yourself.
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
So, why do we do this to ourselves? Here are a few common reasons:
Fear of Rejection: Protecting yourself from getting hurt by keeping people at arm’s length.
Low Self-Worth: If you don’t believe you deserve love, you might subconsciously push it away.
Unresolved Trauma: Past experiences can shape how you approach relationships today.
Understanding the “why” is key to breaking the cycle.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging
Ready to change? Here’s how:
1. Build Self-Awareness: Start noticing your patterns and triggers.
2. Practice Mindfulness: Pause when you feel the urge to self-sabotage.
3. Communicate Clearly: Say what you mean and mean what you say.
4. Set Realistic Expectations: No one is perfect, including you!
5. Seek Support: Therapy or coaching can give you tools to build healthier habits.
Start your online therapy journey here
Final Thoughts
Relationships aren’t about being perfect—they’re about being present and intentional. If you’ve been sabotaging yourself, don’t sweat it. Awareness is the first step, and you’re already on your way to creating the love life you deserve.
And if you feel like you need a little extra help, therapy is always a great idea. It’s not about fixing yourself—it’s about growing into the best version of you.
So, what do you think? Are any of these questions hitting home? Let me know in the comments, or share this with a friend who might need it. Let’s grow together!
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